T minus 59 Days & Counting

In between working, trying to read the new Iain M. Banks novel "Matter", outings with NORLOG the Lotus Owners Club, surfing the internet for midget porn (!) and helping to run a house, I still haven't found the time to look for new luggage for my trip to the USA. As both Steph & I need luggage - she flies out on 1st March for a fortnight - it seems reasonable to each buy our own set, which will then be used when the house is sold and our clothes require packing away and transporting to whereever we may live (separately) next.

As I think I have mentioned before, I am more interested in ensuring I have the correct cabin luggage that will easily carry my MacBook (and hopefully my MacBook Air on the way back too) than a bag to carry my clothes in. The things that I will require for my 7 odd hour flight, plus 3 odd hour wait in Manchester T2, which will be placed in a "carry-on" luggage, are as follows: -

• One MacBook;
  
• One power lead for said MacBook;
  
• One mobile telephone (Nokia - unless I buy myself out of my Orange contract and get an iPhone before I go);
  
• One power lead for said mobile telephone;
  
• One inflatable pillow - in case of delays;
  
• Food - for the consumption of;
  
• One book - probably to be the new Stephen King, although I may take a punt on the new Kate Mosse;
  
• Toiletries - tooth brush, toothpaste, cleansing wipes, etc;
  
• Tickets, money, passport;
  
• Two 1kg lumps of weapons grade plutonium-239 so if I get bored I can bang them together screaming, "YOU WILL ACHIEVE CRITICAL MASS! YOU WILL ACHIEVE CRITICAL MASS!" in the middle of the Duty Free Zone.

Actually, banging two lumps of plutonium-239 together in the middle of an airport will probably be a lot safer for me than mumbling "Allahu Akbar" when I board the aeroplane... that is liable to get me shot by the Wyatt Earp's of the sky.

Anyway, I've had a browse around a couple of luggage emporia this week and I can't find anything that looks cool enough for me - looking cool is essential in air travel, you have to look like you are completely unfazed by your surroundings and not at all bothered about travelling in a cigar tube of aluminium that is kept up in the sky by maths & physics (have I mentioned before that I am terrified of flying?). I won't be able to afford to drink in the terminal with the prices they charge and I certainly will not take any form of medication to combat my stress about flying, so I am left with strapping myself to a chair - probably next to a fat person with body odour problems - and hoping that I don't go complete Bursar & Librarian Poo which will result in me being detained indefinately under the Mental Health Act 1983.

I have been keeping my eye on the current events in the United States for the past few weeks, Obama is up, Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife is down, someone else is winning something else... more of the same and not different at all. Although there has been a magnitude 6 earthquake in Nevada today 15km from nowhere and it is the build up to the world's largest psychophantic, backslapping, puerile outpouring of insincere platitudes to over-inflated egos that wear makeup for a living and get paid more than the GDP of most third world countries... or the Oscars as we know them (actually the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Science Awards).

My tips for the Oscars? Daniel Day-Lewis because he is a genius actor and makes everyone else look like they are pretending, and Tilda Swinton who is just the epitome of bohemian chic.